Everything is wrong

I suppose it started happening a few weeks ago. When I got completely furious with the serial killer and screamed at her that I wanted her to love me and she didn't. Which sucked.

Or it may have happened when they announced that there was going to be 50 redundancies at work. I don't talk about work on my blog for various reasons but I know I'm near the top of the list of people they want out due to my attendance. So the stress is building up.

It definitely happened at the birth of E2. My niece who was born four weeks ago today. My sister phoned and said she had given birth and Notgod started up. It wasn't just the usual 'hurt yourself, kill yourself' he was saying. He was screaming at me to kill E2. I kept telling me to strangle her, drown her, smother her and smash her head against the wall. I couldn't get away from him. He was taking over my head.

I managed to work for a few days but my concentration was impossible because of Notgod. Eventually I phoned JC at the cmht and cried on her shoulder. She told me to come in and talk to her. I went in and was honest with her. I told her the Notgod was being horrible and that I was terrified that I was going to kill the baby. I told her I'd taken a small overdose (just half a dozen tablets) the previous night to satiate Notgod and that I'd been cutting myself badly. She called out the crisis team. Fail.

The crisis team came round every day for more than a week. Some of them were good. Some of them were shite. For some reason the men were better then the women. The women tended to be more patronising. The men were just straight with me. I'd stopped sleeping and eating and was just existing.

I made a terrible mistake. I phoned up my mum because I had a pathetic needing my mum moment and told her that Notgod was telling me to kill the baby. On the Monday my sister phoned up and demanded to speak to the crisis team. I got JC to speak to her and on Tuesday she phoned back and told me that I wasn't allowed to go and see her kids. I had been meant to go up on the Saturday. I was completely gutted and rejected by this. I knew I wasn't going to kill the baby I just knew that it was what Notgod wanted. I can't explain how evil this made me feel. I've photos of my dad with the baby. So it's ok to be a paedophile and see your granddaughter but it's not ok to be a bit mad and see your niece.

I suppose I'm being a bit unfair because my sister has to protect the baby but I feel completely overwhelmed by my sister's decision. She hasn't got back in touch with me since either and this was almost a fortnight ago.

Even worse was to come. My mum phoned back and said that she was coming down to visit. I told her I didn't want her to but she said she was coming down anyway. She turned up on the Thursday and stayed til the Monday. She didn't stay with me thank God. This was the first time that she had known the extent of my madness and she kept pushing me and pushing me, asking me questions and then telling me it was because I was evil. It also meant I had to spend what little energy I had trying to entertain her instead of curling up on the sofa crying.

All the time the crisis team were coming round and I had to keep making up excuses to get away from her so I could see them. They told me that they were concerned that my mother was going to 'exacerbate my negative thoughts.' Which was precisely what she was doing.

Another issue was that I knew that on Sunday she'd want to go to church with me. My mother is deeply protestant and I'm an Anglo-Catholic, shortly to become a Roman Catholic as part of the Ordinariate. My mother takes deep exception to my Catholicity (if that's the word) and I knew it would be deeply awkward for both me and Fr S if she turned up at church. She insisted on going. I went with her and cringed at the more Catholic parts of the service. I cringed even more when someone came up to us afterwards and started talking about the Ordinariate. I even took her to Evening Prayer and Benediction which is about as Catholic as it gets. She didn't say anything at the time but I've since had a bollocking about idolatry. Which I expected.

She eventually left me to it. Since then the crisis team have stopped coming to see me, thank God and I'm on my own. I'm very full of suicidal thoughts and I'm struggling not to take an overdose. The serial killer is now on a fortnights holiday and JC is away for a week of that and I'm dreading that. I have to go back to work on Thursday and I'm dreading that as well. The whole thing about my life is it is stupid, pointless, worthless and evil and I'm struggling to find a reason to continue it.