First of all I would like to thank those who nominated me for the TWIM awards. I was very humbled to be nominated and remarkably shocked and pleased to have won. Thank you very much.
The last week has been odd. I've had very severe depersonalisation and derealisation. I have no idea why this is. I first noticed it at the weekend when I was driving somewhere and I realised it wasn't me driving the car. I could see the arms in front of me on the steering wheel but they weren't mine and I had no control over them. This is disconcerting to say the least.
I continued driving and got home but then things got worse. The world doesn't seem real. I'm in a bubble disattached from the world. Nothing in the world can touch me and I cannot touch anything in the world. I'm typing this but I don't feel myself touching the keys, it feels like there is something between me and reality.
I went into work on Monday at stupid o'clock in the morning so I could leave early and although I managed to do what I needed to do and talk to the people I needed to talk to it felt like being in someone else's dream. As I drove home I again realised it wasn't me who was driving the car. This left me thinking that if I drove into someone else and killed myself then it wasn't my fault and I wouldn't go to hell for committing suicide. I didn't but all the way home, every time I passed a car, I could feel these arms in front of me, these disattached entities, twitching, wanting to drive into the oncoming traffic. Disconcerting to say the least.
I vaguely mentioned it to the serial killer yesterday but we didn't discuss it as we got side tracked with something else. I've also got extremely bad toothache so I was struggling to concentrate on what she said as I hadn't slept for a couple of days.
Last night lying in bed, trying not to concentrate on my bloody tooth, I could feel that the duvet was not touching me, not keeping me warm, the bubble was preventing it from coming near me. The room, which I could see as due to my fear of the dark I leave the light on all night, was distorting around me. There was almost an hallucinatory effect. I couldn't work out if it was the room that was real or me.
I went to work this morning trying to ignore the rising panic of not being connected in any way with the world. I thought, 'I can't connect with the car but I'm going to get on the bus, it's much bigger and I'll be able to feel that it's real.' I got on the bus. It wasn't real. It was distorting and freaking me out. I had a panic attack and my boss sent me home. This is not how things should be.
I'm trying to concentrate on little things. A book in front of me doesn't exist, except it does. I can take in the words on the page but I struggle to connect the hands that are holding the book with my own. This scares me a lot.
I have had dissociative type episodes before but none that have lasted such a significant period of time. The sane part of my brain keeps telling me that it's not real, that it's just the mentals playing with me but the mentals tell me I'm going mad. Not in a hearing a voice type of way, just in a it's not normal to perceive the world like this way.
I'm hoping it's something to do with the rancid toothache from hell and that my appointment with the dentist tomorrow (of which I'm fucking terrified) will sort it out. But why should toothache cause such distortions in reality? I'm seeing the cpn tomorrow morning for the first time in a month and hopefully she'll be able to reassure me that things are ok.
This is not the start to 2013 that I envisaged or wanted.